Things haven't been going well. Oh, I have all the wonderful things I still had in my life before...nothing has really changed. It's just internally...I've been a disaster. I have all sorts of rage, a perpetual and constant knot in the middle of my chest, and I'm scared all the time. I've been failing miserably as a mom, and my son's behavior is showing it...after all, how is an exhausted, obese woman, with a pretty hefty anxiety issue going to be patient enough to deal with a 3 year old boy? Precisely.
My Rx for this situation? One week media blackout...no TV, no computer (except for writing and music), NOOOO NEWS!!!, no cartoons, no hidden object games, no Facebook or Farmville...nothing.
Jax and I just completed day one of Media Blackout Week, and I have to say...it was goooood! I got more accomplished than any given day (or week, for that matter) in all of 2009. All the quiet propelled us to different places...like bike rides, the library, and not to mention THREE workouts...that's right 3! I am counting Jaxen's bike ride as one, because I ran all over my neighborhood chasing him and making sure he didn't break a limb on a curb...and then we came in and took down the Christmas tree...which was depressing, but in and of itself quite the vigorous activity. So, I ask myself...why the TV all evening? I can't for the life of me pinpoint a show that I mind missing...I have seen every single episode of Friends at least 15 times...the news makes me a paranoid cynic...so why? As I sit here in the silence, it hits me...I miss their voices. For better or worse, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Phoebe fill a void. For the first time in my adult life...I think I'm lonely.
My husband rocks...he's my best friend...he's everything. He also lives in San Antonio during the week. I have soul friends...they live out of town. I have friends here...but, all in all, when I'm with my son all day by myself, and my family sees me constantly...we aren't real into eachother anymore. It's like the green dresser in my bedroom that we refinished last year. I mean it's TV good...so beautiful and a killer piece...but, I see it every day. It doesn't occur to me to sit and study it all the time. Doesn't mean I don't love it...I just have to put my clothes in it and move on. Soooo...I think I'm going to get to know myself again, this week...without all the noise and riff-raff going on in the background...and try to remember what I'm like...what I LIKE. I thought of a few things about mid-day today...just as I was noticing the tightness in my chest had already eased significantly...hmmmm. Here they are:
-I love the lines that air force jets make in the sky as they fly overhead. I also love that those lines stay there, long after the jet has flown far away. It makes me feel safe...like there's a fighter pilot up there going, "yeah, that's right. I WAS here...and I think I'll leave you a little reminder."
-I love the cold. I feel like we're all on the same playing field when it's cold.
-I love acoustic guitar.
-I love the face my son makes when he's trying to talk me into something.
-I love looking back at him in the rearview mirror...he has no expression...he's just looking around. Most people love their kids' smiles best...I love it when he has no expression at all...his bottom lip is so precious, and it means he's just taking things in...creating the framework structure of who he is becoming and how he's going to think.
-I love the way my husband smells.
-I love...
Monday, January 4, 2010
Friday, September 4, 2009
We're Prego...sauce.
...my first hour of my 33rd year. What do I want to say? I'm happy. I have a wonderful life. That also includes an insatiable desire for more. I know the more is in me...nowhere else. I think I'm fine with that being what I know, in a nutshell. What I know and all I need is in me...I have to look nowhere else. What a powerful notion...what a freeing arrival. What we are always looking for more in, is acutally the biproduct of realizing that the more is in us. It's right there. He's in there, it's in there...always in the last place we look.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Illumination
I understand that true joy, is accompanied by true fear.
I understand that true love is a package deal with real pain.
I understand that feeling full is often followed by overwhelming emptiness.
I understand that exhileration is a characteristic of panic.
I understand that good music shows up in deafening silence.
I understand that to feel is only real after nothingness has been there.
I understand that listening is not the same as hearing.
I understand that to have a real gift means to give yourself completely to it.
I understand that peace is often mistaken for ingnoring the tight spot in your chest.
I understand that freedom was mislabeled as fun.
I understand the paralysis of doing too much.
I understand that what you fear can be that which you love most.
I understand that what you love most can be your greatest fear.
I understand that being ok, can kill you in the end.
...dark doesn't leave...you can only add light.
I understand that true love is a package deal with real pain.
I understand that feeling full is often followed by overwhelming emptiness.
I understand that exhileration is a characteristic of panic.
I understand that good music shows up in deafening silence.
I understand that to feel is only real after nothingness has been there.
I understand that listening is not the same as hearing.
I understand that to have a real gift means to give yourself completely to it.
I understand that peace is often mistaken for ingnoring the tight spot in your chest.
I understand that freedom was mislabeled as fun.
I understand the paralysis of doing too much.
I understand that what you fear can be that which you love most.
I understand that what you love most can be your greatest fear.
I understand that being ok, can kill you in the end.
...dark doesn't leave...you can only add light.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Operation: Aleisha's New Life...Day 1
Here goes. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of heart palpitations, I'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin, I'm tired of not being able to sleep well, I'm tired of not being able to dress how I want to, and I'm definitely tired of being tired. Not to mention, the other day at Sea World, 2 park workers had to cram me into the seat of a roller coaster tag-team style...great times. I'm so tired of all this, that I actually joined a 12 step program...OA...just like AA. So far, it's been really great for me, because I've been down this road more times than I care to admit...and back again...had a few awful wrecks along the road, and ended up in worse and worse spots the farther I tried to go. Not long ago, I found myself going to bed about 2 am, looked around me, and it looked like a food graveyard...problem #1. Problem #2...I didn't remember going in the kitchen, didn't remember getting the food, and didn't remember eating it...blackout eating. Sooo, I'm in bad shape, to say the least. More than all of this combined, I don't have much energy for my son who needs it so badly. So, I need to lose something ridiculous...about 120 lbs to be exact. However, one of the problems I've had in the past is that I look at that and I feel completely overwhelmed. Besides, God only grants me the grace I need to get through THIS day, and tomorrow He will grant me the grace I need to get through that one. So, today, I will be a good steward of the grace He has given me, and by His grace, and the strength He gives me to persist, I will get victory over this bondage!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Alamo of Marriage?
Something doesn't feel right. I'm bothered. I'm so tired of this discussion. Here's why: I'm a Christian...not that being a Christian is my problem, actually quite the opposite...but, rather that being lumped in with the "Christian" community is, as of late, a HUGE problem. At this point, my specific dilemma is the gay marriage debate.
Here's the picture...marriage is a BIG deal to me. I am, in fact, notoriously outspoken on the subject, have paid high prices in defense of it, and willingly put the majority of my energies in life into making mine extraordinary. I'm kind of a marriage freak...I think it's worth caring alot about. However, while I'm watching Miss California on the Today show, as a new spokesperson for The Institute of Marriage, my skin is crawling. Every time she says, "Matt, I'm just trying to protect marriage", I feel like someone is putting a cattle prod in my side. First of all, she is not married...never has been...she's 22. Secondly, her parents are in the middle of a divorce that is rumored to be nasty. So, it gives me pause to hear her say that she was taught her whole life that marriage was between a man and a woman, and that's how it should stay....I mean, could we cling a little tighter to an ideal that clearly wasn't worth putting into practice for the two people that were her teachers on the matter? That's just it...roughly 50-60 percent of marriages end up in divorce. Sadly, that number is even higher in the Christian community. So, here's the mental picture in my head...an army of religious groups, all standing at the gate of a city named Marriage...tanks at the ready, guns blazing, organized ranks, war rhetoric...and behind the gate, the city lies in rubble. What exactly are we protecting? I think it's possible we have a pretty serious speck vs. plank situation here, folks.
I'm not sure I understand why the homosexuality thing became the pet of religious hypocrites on a global scale, but I think I'm going to go out on a Christian limb, here, and assert a different thought process. Samaritans, lepers, tax collectors, prostitutes...these were the pet whipping post groups of religious zealots in Bible times. They were looked on as less than, they were outcasts, and they were treated much the same as homosexuals are treated by the church, today. However, when Jesus came on the scene, these were the people He chose to be around, to break bread with, to heal, to love, to touch...to reach out to. Of all the accounts of Jesus time here on earth, you never see him act any way but lovingly toward these outcasts. His disdain for the law-happy religious leaders, who always did everything "right", however, is palpable. I've actually heard it said that God hates homosexuality. Ahem...the only sins that the Bible states that God hates, are sins of the heart...sins that involve hypocrisy and judgmentalism. I'm so tired of this conversation! I'm sure that there are my "Christian" friends who may be reading this, that are all too excited to point my attentions toward the book of Leviticus, and other passages from the Bible. My response is this...why, then are we not feeling the need to enforce the law that stated that women are not to be allowed to go to church if they are on their menstrual cycle...in fact, they aren't allowed to eat with anyone else, because they are dirty. Well, that might just throw a kink into our society as a whole, now wouldn't it? Why are we not addressing the pain that accompanies people to their demise? Why are we not being the body of Christ? He is NOWHERE in this debate...stop using His name!!!!!! Call it what it really is...a manipulation for conservativism...but, it's NOT JESUS!!!!
So, does gay marriage threaten the sanctity of traditional marriage? Not mine. It doesn't offend my sensabilities about marriage because Ellen and Portia got married. It doesn't offend my sensabilities about marriage that Melissa Etheridge and her wife are legally bound to one another....it just doesn't. There I've said it...it feels so good to come out of the closet! I'm not offended by gay marriage...whew! I tell you what I am offended by...my friend that walked out on her husband, because she didn't feel like trying...no counseling, no effort, no regard for their child. I'm offended by the countless times I've been called to friends houses to run interference against their marital spats and witnessing a physical altercation or two....the people that I know that lead a double life apart from their spouse and their children, and the couples I know who lead completely separate lives, because they have no idea how to be married and so they just co-exist. These situations are even more threatening to the sanctity of traditional marriage, because they are all Christians. These are people to whom love is supposed to come easiest, yet, they are so busy being completely judgmental and self-consumed that they decided not to do the work. I'm not saying it's easy...Lord knows it's not. Thankfully, my own marriage grows every time I go and see these situations and realize just how grateful I am for the man I spend my life with. What I am saying is that maybe the Christian community should work on cleaning up their own cesspool of a situation before we go kicking the doors down in voting booths from here on out. Besides, isn't this the same group of people who throw their heads back and howl about separation of church and state, and religious freedoms if anyone messes with their rights, but isn't willing to NOT be the fly in the oinment for anyone else? Double standards anyone?
On a personal note...there was a time in my life that I was dealing with a shattered foundation...the kind that makes you question every moment of your life previous to that incident...the kind that I still suffer aftershocks from, to this day. I went in search of comfort and love...I needed spiritual TLC for the first time in my life. I looked for it in the youth group I grew up in...and I was spurned. Guess where I found the love of Jesus I was so desparately needing to be reminded of?..from a couple of gay friends. I went to their church to play my flute for a celebration concert they were having, and had one of the most profound and healing experiences with God that I had ever had. The result for me was a dichotomy...a separation between what I was told I was to stand for, and what I realized was the truth when the hour of need came upon me. I learned from that moment forward to always look for myself if I wanted an answer I could depend on. I look in the gospels to hear what Jesus has to say about things, and usually, I see that what was told to me most of my life, is not really what He said at all...and certainly not what He stands for. The emphasis that is placed on gay people as a threat to our society as a whole is tiresome. I'm sick to death of it! Why aren't there marches on me and my family for being obese? I mean, isn't that a threat to society as a whole...aren't we the very picture of sickness and disease and gluttony and sloth? Why aren't there marches on straight people who cheat on their spouse? Isn't that a threat to the sanctity of traditional marriage? What about a march on preachers who say ridiculous things on television that have nothing to do with God, but rather their own inability to explain away tragedy? Aren't they doing an immeasurable damage to the kingdom of God? Who in the name of God, is finally going to put a stop to this? You would think that what Jesus did in giving His life so that the crucifixion of our souls would end with Him would have been enough...clearly it's not enough for some...but, thank You LORD!...it's more than enough for me!!! I love you to all my gay friends, my fat friends, my alcoholic friends, my proud friends, my liar friends, my insecure friends...my human friends...He loves us ALL!
Disclaimer: if there is a religious organization that would like to revoke my card...please, by all means...TAKE IT! I never applied for it, I never activated it, and I certainly will never use it...thanks anyway, but Jesus is all I will be needing for this lifetime. Please take me off your call list, thanks.
Here's the picture...marriage is a BIG deal to me. I am, in fact, notoriously outspoken on the subject, have paid high prices in defense of it, and willingly put the majority of my energies in life into making mine extraordinary. I'm kind of a marriage freak...I think it's worth caring alot about. However, while I'm watching Miss California on the Today show, as a new spokesperson for The Institute of Marriage, my skin is crawling. Every time she says, "Matt, I'm just trying to protect marriage", I feel like someone is putting a cattle prod in my side. First of all, she is not married...never has been...she's 22. Secondly, her parents are in the middle of a divorce that is rumored to be nasty. So, it gives me pause to hear her say that she was taught her whole life that marriage was between a man and a woman, and that's how it should stay....I mean, could we cling a little tighter to an ideal that clearly wasn't worth putting into practice for the two people that were her teachers on the matter? That's just it...roughly 50-60 percent of marriages end up in divorce. Sadly, that number is even higher in the Christian community. So, here's the mental picture in my head...an army of religious groups, all standing at the gate of a city named Marriage...tanks at the ready, guns blazing, organized ranks, war rhetoric...and behind the gate, the city lies in rubble. What exactly are we protecting? I think it's possible we have a pretty serious speck vs. plank situation here, folks.
I'm not sure I understand why the homosexuality thing became the pet of religious hypocrites on a global scale, but I think I'm going to go out on a Christian limb, here, and assert a different thought process. Samaritans, lepers, tax collectors, prostitutes...these were the pet whipping post groups of religious zealots in Bible times. They were looked on as less than, they were outcasts, and they were treated much the same as homosexuals are treated by the church, today. However, when Jesus came on the scene, these were the people He chose to be around, to break bread with, to heal, to love, to touch...to reach out to. Of all the accounts of Jesus time here on earth, you never see him act any way but lovingly toward these outcasts. His disdain for the law-happy religious leaders, who always did everything "right", however, is palpable. I've actually heard it said that God hates homosexuality. Ahem...the only sins that the Bible states that God hates, are sins of the heart...sins that involve hypocrisy and judgmentalism. I'm so tired of this conversation! I'm sure that there are my "Christian" friends who may be reading this, that are all too excited to point my attentions toward the book of Leviticus, and other passages from the Bible. My response is this...why, then are we not feeling the need to enforce the law that stated that women are not to be allowed to go to church if they are on their menstrual cycle...in fact, they aren't allowed to eat with anyone else, because they are dirty. Well, that might just throw a kink into our society as a whole, now wouldn't it? Why are we not addressing the pain that accompanies people to their demise? Why are we not being the body of Christ? He is NOWHERE in this debate...stop using His name!!!!!! Call it what it really is...a manipulation for conservativism...but, it's NOT JESUS!!!!
So, does gay marriage threaten the sanctity of traditional marriage? Not mine. It doesn't offend my sensabilities about marriage because Ellen and Portia got married. It doesn't offend my sensabilities about marriage that Melissa Etheridge and her wife are legally bound to one another....it just doesn't. There I've said it...it feels so good to come out of the closet! I'm not offended by gay marriage...whew! I tell you what I am offended by...my friend that walked out on her husband, because she didn't feel like trying...no counseling, no effort, no regard for their child. I'm offended by the countless times I've been called to friends houses to run interference against their marital spats and witnessing a physical altercation or two....the people that I know that lead a double life apart from their spouse and their children, and the couples I know who lead completely separate lives, because they have no idea how to be married and so they just co-exist. These situations are even more threatening to the sanctity of traditional marriage, because they are all Christians. These are people to whom love is supposed to come easiest, yet, they are so busy being completely judgmental and self-consumed that they decided not to do the work. I'm not saying it's easy...Lord knows it's not. Thankfully, my own marriage grows every time I go and see these situations and realize just how grateful I am for the man I spend my life with. What I am saying is that maybe the Christian community should work on cleaning up their own cesspool of a situation before we go kicking the doors down in voting booths from here on out. Besides, isn't this the same group of people who throw their heads back and howl about separation of church and state, and religious freedoms if anyone messes with their rights, but isn't willing to NOT be the fly in the oinment for anyone else? Double standards anyone?
On a personal note...there was a time in my life that I was dealing with a shattered foundation...the kind that makes you question every moment of your life previous to that incident...the kind that I still suffer aftershocks from, to this day. I went in search of comfort and love...I needed spiritual TLC for the first time in my life. I looked for it in the youth group I grew up in...and I was spurned. Guess where I found the love of Jesus I was so desparately needing to be reminded of?..from a couple of gay friends. I went to their church to play my flute for a celebration concert they were having, and had one of the most profound and healing experiences with God that I had ever had. The result for me was a dichotomy...a separation between what I was told I was to stand for, and what I realized was the truth when the hour of need came upon me. I learned from that moment forward to always look for myself if I wanted an answer I could depend on. I look in the gospels to hear what Jesus has to say about things, and usually, I see that what was told to me most of my life, is not really what He said at all...and certainly not what He stands for. The emphasis that is placed on gay people as a threat to our society as a whole is tiresome. I'm sick to death of it! Why aren't there marches on me and my family for being obese? I mean, isn't that a threat to society as a whole...aren't we the very picture of sickness and disease and gluttony and sloth? Why aren't there marches on straight people who cheat on their spouse? Isn't that a threat to the sanctity of traditional marriage? What about a march on preachers who say ridiculous things on television that have nothing to do with God, but rather their own inability to explain away tragedy? Aren't they doing an immeasurable damage to the kingdom of God? Who in the name of God, is finally going to put a stop to this? You would think that what Jesus did in giving His life so that the crucifixion of our souls would end with Him would have been enough...clearly it's not enough for some...but, thank You LORD!...it's more than enough for me!!! I love you to all my gay friends, my fat friends, my alcoholic friends, my proud friends, my liar friends, my insecure friends...my human friends...He loves us ALL!
Disclaimer: if there is a religious organization that would like to revoke my card...please, by all means...TAKE IT! I never applied for it, I never activated it, and I certainly will never use it...thanks anyway, but Jesus is all I will be needing for this lifetime. Please take me off your call list, thanks.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Room
I am a writer without words. I am lost inside the places that threaten to be my undoing. I don't feel wise, and I don't feel capable. I feel like I'm always straddling the space between overwhelming joy and choking panic. I feel as though there are, yet again, doors slamming in Your face, telling You there is no room. I know it's been this way since the beginning of time, yet I am not unmoved today. I want to scream out...I will be your stable, let my heart be your stable...use me for your stable. Drown them out....drown them out...but, tomorrow, I will have to answer them, so today, I must hear them. Is it pain talking, or is it prophecy speaking? All I know is that You are here...I feel You in the kiss of my son, in the room I am in, in the things I don't understand, in the people I love fully, and in those I try to love and can't. You are welcome here...you are welcome here...make Your home here. Fill me with what you are longing to give...ready me to say what needs to be said...do what needs to be done. Teach me. Breathe life into me. Live in me.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
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