Things haven't been going well. Oh, I have all the wonderful things I still had in my life before...nothing has really changed. It's just internally...I've been a disaster. I have all sorts of rage, a perpetual and constant knot in the middle of my chest, and I'm scared all the time. I've been failing miserably as a mom, and my son's behavior is showing it...after all, how is an exhausted, obese woman, with a pretty hefty anxiety issue going to be patient enough to deal with a 3 year old boy? Precisely.
My Rx for this situation? One week media blackout...no TV, no computer (except for writing and music), NOOOO NEWS!!!, no cartoons, no hidden object games, no Facebook or Farmville...nothing.
Jax and I just completed day one of Media Blackout Week, and I have to say...it was goooood! I got more accomplished than any given day (or week, for that matter) in all of 2009. All the quiet propelled us to different places...like bike rides, the library, and not to mention THREE workouts...that's right 3! I am counting Jaxen's bike ride as one, because I ran all over my neighborhood chasing him and making sure he didn't break a limb on a curb...and then we came in and took down the Christmas tree...which was depressing, but in and of itself quite the vigorous activity. So, I ask myself...why the TV all evening? I can't for the life of me pinpoint a show that I mind missing...I have seen every single episode of Friends at least 15 times...the news makes me a paranoid cynic...so why? As I sit here in the silence, it hits me...I miss their voices. For better or worse, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Phoebe fill a void. For the first time in my adult life...I think I'm lonely.
My husband rocks...he's my best friend...he's everything. He also lives in San Antonio during the week. I have soul friends...they live out of town. I have friends here...but, all in all, when I'm with my son all day by myself, and my family sees me constantly...we aren't real into eachother anymore. It's like the green dresser in my bedroom that we refinished last year. I mean it's TV good...so beautiful and a killer piece...but, I see it every day. It doesn't occur to me to sit and study it all the time. Doesn't mean I don't love it...I just have to put my clothes in it and move on. Soooo...I think I'm going to get to know myself again, this week...without all the noise and riff-raff going on in the background...and try to remember what I'm like...what I LIKE. I thought of a few things about mid-day today...just as I was noticing the tightness in my chest had already eased significantly...hmmmm. Here they are:
-I love the lines that air force jets make in the sky as they fly overhead. I also love that those lines stay there, long after the jet has flown far away. It makes me feel safe...like there's a fighter pilot up there going, "yeah, that's right. I WAS here...and I think I'll leave you a little reminder."
-I love the cold. I feel like we're all on the same playing field when it's cold.
-I love acoustic guitar.
-I love the face my son makes when he's trying to talk me into something.
-I love looking back at him in the rearview mirror...he has no expression...he's just looking around. Most people love their kids' smiles best...I love it when he has no expression at all...his bottom lip is so precious, and it means he's just taking things in...creating the framework structure of who he is becoming and how he's going to think.
-I love the way my husband smells.
-I love...
